Saturday, November 08, 2008

Personification of the heart . . . a non-political blog entry

I don't know about you, but I've found my heart to be a deceitful, betraying little bastard. It makes you think that you are on the same team . . . that you are working together for a better life for YOU . . . but that's not *really* what the intentions of that lying little scoundrel are, are they?

Those of you who know me know that I've been through my share of heartache over the years. So much so, in fact, that I'm getting a bit gun-shy. That might not be a bad thing at this point in my life, either. For years I let my heart lead me through bad 'crushes' and relationships with people I wasn't compatible with . . . everytime ending in heartbreak of some form or another. You would think that being hurt would make me wake up and say "Wait a minute . . . maybe I shouldn't put my whole heart into it next time," but . . . you all know I have a big heart, with lots of love to give . . . my teeny tiny self confidence was no match for it.

But something finally started to change over the last couple of years . . . someone started to slowly feed my self-confidence, nurturing it to grow and to be strong and to learn to lead. Eventually, my heart took notice, stepped down, and let someone else have the reins. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned to love being single, working on my own life, nurturing my current friendships and building new ones, expanding my mind with school and new experiences . . . all of which made my self confidence even stronger.

I thought my heart was fine taking a rest, and not being in the lime-light.

But then the deceitful little bastard saw it's chance to strike when life was giving me a little too much to handle. It saw my self-confidence struggling, knocked it to the ground and said "Hey, he's kinda hot . . . I bet he'll give us some attention!"

My heart had the chance to frolick and play for a very short time before that very familiar feeling of heartache came rushing back. The cause this time was not the other person, but my own brain, stepping up and trying to pick my self-confidence off the ground saying "Lookie here . . . these are the reasons that this isn't going to happen . . . these are the reasons this isn't going to work . . . these are the reasons you need to regain control of your heart."

And so, the next order from the brain is to sit down and remind myself of what I want and need in a relationship so I can visually reinforce my standards, and give more power to my self-confidence.

So . . . here goes.

I want someone who truly cares about me, and who isn't afraid to show it.

I want someone who understands that I have flaws, and will love that much more for the harmless ones, and help me to change the harmful ones.

I want someone who can make me laugh until tears are streaming down my face, even in my darkest hour.

I want someone who knows when I need tough love, and isn't afraid to give it to me.

I want someone who will let me know he still cares about me, even when we are fighting like it's WWIII.

I want someone who will ALWAYS make me feel like I'm worth it.

I want someone who pushes me to be a better person.

I want someone who isn't exactly like me, and will open my mind to new experiences and new learning opportunities.

I want someone who cares about others.

I want someone who won't be jealous of my friends.

I want someone who is not quick to anger, and who will never intentionally hurt me, emotionally or physically.

I want someone who will care for my heart with a gentle touch, while continuing to nurture my self-confidence above all.

I want someone who wants me to be happy.

I think that's a pretty good list. I think my heart does, too, because it's feeling pretty good right now. It knows that all of these things come second to learning to love me, first.

1 comment:

bonobo said...

Big hugs, Corry. You deserve all of that and more.