December 2007: A month I hope to forget

To The Core has gone untouched for over a month now, and for that, I apologize. However, life has become rather rotten, and even when I've the time, I haven't felt up to writing.

I suppose it's about time to fill you in on how 2007 ended for me.

November 30th was without a doubt the worst day of my life so far. That's saying a lot considering there are a lot of days in 25 1/2 years. On November 30th, 2007, at 5:30 in the evening, my dear sweet little cousin Nicole was hit by a car and critically injured. Today marks day 33 of her coma. 33 days of tears and fears and prayers and hopes and pain and sadness. I won't go into details about what we've all gone through with Nicole in the past month, as that would take much too long, and be much too painful to write out...but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through...and it's still going on.

To top that off, 5 days after Nicole was taken to the hospital, I got the call that my gramma was on her way, as well. It was sad that I was already there to greet her when she was admitted. After running some tests, it was found that she had C-Diff, which is an infection in the bowels that can be fatal. In this case, it was. Exactly one week after Nicole's accident--3 days after Gramma entered the hospital--she passed away. It's been weeks now, and I still haven't had a chance to properly mourne. As I discussed in my last entry, I had become very close to my gramma in the last year or so...I should have cried more than I did when she died...it should have hurt more...but that, along with Nicole barely clinging to life was too much for me to handle...so I've denied myself the permission to let the pain in.

This month has been a blur. Christmas didn't really happen for me. It came, but I didn't feel it. The spirit never inhabited me. Each day goes by, and I become more numb than I was the day before. The roller coaster of emotions will rip me apart if I allow myself to fully feel the ride.

I've thought about writing about it here for weeks now, but was reluctant to bring my dark cloud along with me. But I need to get it out...I need to talk about it...I need to start writing again.

But, now you know why I haven't updated in so long.

If you pray, your prayers for Nicole are deeply appreciated. If you don't, your positive thoughts and vibes are just as welcome.

Nicole, please know that you are loved so much by so many people. I look forward to the day that your beautiful smile once again lights up the world. Please hold strong.