Tuesday, October 24, 2006

There's a hole in my soul...

I'm 24 years old...I go down my checklist of things I wanted to have accomplished by this time in my life...

College.....no check

Career......no check


Someone to spend my life with....nope

What have I accomplished?
I do have my own apartment...the building it's in isn't exactly new...and there are various problems with it...but it's big, and reasonably priced. I still haven't gotten out of my tiny hamlet in North Central Illinois...which can be good and bad. Good because...my family is close by if I ever need them. Bad because...my family is close by.

I guess my work with the children at my domestic violence shelter job can be called an accomplishment...probably the one that I'm most proud of. However I feel I need to take it further, and so far I'm at a standstill.

I'm not sure weather to call my 3 year relationship that I ended nearly two months ago an accomplishment or not. I mean...it's a failed relationship. I did everything I could to make it work...and still failed. I did, however, manage to keep some of my self confidence and self esteem (keyword: SOME) after about a year of constantly feeling like nothing I did was good enough for him....I guess that's an accomplishment.

Now here I am....no education...no career...no house....no one to give my love to (and I have a lot of love to give)...

I'm feeling lost.
I DO have the greatest friends in the world....that part is great. The only thing right now that I feel I have to look forward to is my trips that I've been going on, and talking to my friends everynight. But the trips and spending actual time with my friends are too few and far between.

With my next trip coming up in 9 days, I do have a lot to be excited about. I'm flying to Baltimore again, and Joe and I are driving to Boston. It'll be wonderful to finally see the best friend whom I spend hours talking to every night online. My first night there, I'll be meeting another online friend for the first time. I've had three other chances to meet him so far this year, and none have worked out. Here's hoping that the FOURTH time's a charm. Once in Boston, I'll see Sky again, too. I'll once again have my chat crew together. :) All will be right with the world during that time. :) Alison will be there as well...it'll be nice to get more of a chance to get to know her better in real life. And again, I'll be meeting another online friend for the first time, Scott. Looking forward to that a lot. :)

We'll arrive at our hotel (WITH A POOL!) outside of Boston on mid to late Friday afternoon...we're staying two nights. I'm pathetically child-like in my excitement about the pool. My last trip two months ago was my first time swimming in somewhere around 10 years...I had soooo much fun that I've been talking about going swimming again ever since...Joe was good enough to make sure a pool was part of the criteria when picking us a hotel. We're gonna have so much fun!!!!

So...during the trip, I have a lot to look forward to...so much to be excited about. But what about the time leading up to it, and the time afterwards??? It's empty.

Maybe I'll get lucky...maybe at some point during my five day trip, It'll all come to me. Maybe during that time, I'll have an epiphany, and realize what I need to fill the void.

I've been happy for quite some time since I finally started to get over the break up....and I still am....I'm happy....just empty.


Joe said...

I know you'll figure it out :) And I can't wait for Boston!!! It'll be so much...cold, really...but FUN ANYWAYS

As far as anything else goes, maybe it's time to take some online classes or something, start working on that degree of yours :)

moosie_love said...

Let me offer some advice from my wise, wise vantage point of 4 years older than 24.....

Um, it'll all work out.

No, seriously, just the fact that you are thinking about all this heavy stuff is good. You might be feeling in limbo right now, but you are working on figuring out your life so you won't be in limbo forevah, you know?