One Year.

(Written Sunday, November 30th, but didn't get around to posting it until today)
A year ago today, my world came crashing down on me.  

A year ago today, my nightmares came true.  

A year ago today, something I never thought would happen, happened.  

A year ago today, my little cousin Nicole . . . the light of my life since I was eight . . . was hit by a car and severely injured. The pain, the desperation, the hopelessness I felt that night and in the months after that is indescribable. I almost feel guilty talking about my pain . . . knowing that the physical pain that Nicole was going through was so much more than I could even imagine . . . which hurt me even more.  

Looking at the early pictures is painful, too.  



I remember so well the hours and hours I spent standing at her bedside, praying she'd wake up. I remember so well the doctors and nurses telling us not to get our hopes up. I remember the 'V' word being mentioned, in hushed tones. I remember all of those times I made that hour long drive home, navigating the entire way through tears.  

I can recall how happy I was when she started opening her eyes . . . even though she couldn't focus them on anything.  



And then very slowly, more and more signs of recovery. How great it felt when she started holding tight to my hand, and looking at me, not through me.  



She fought through obstacle after obstacle, from MRSA infections to siezures . . . it was a struggle, but nothing stopped her.  

The first time I saw her respond to direction (look at the thumbs up!) I spent another tearful drive home . . . only it was tears of joy this time.  



And just look at those gorgeous eyes.  

There were so many nights I went home totally emotionally drained, thinking I couldn't feel any more empty . . . dead inside . . . it was those little milestones that kepts us all going . . . that fueled that faint glimmer of hope we all clung to so desperately.  I can't tell you how many nights I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning pouring my heart out to my friends and loved ones who held me up through the entire ordeal. But Nicole's strong will pulled us all through.  

After 5 months in the hospital, Nicole was transferred to the Walter Lawson Children's home, where she was expected to live until she turned 18 (which was only a little over a month away). The doctors told us she would need lifelong skilled care.  

Little did they know that within the first few hours at Walter Lawson, the angels that work there helped Nicole to prove the doctors wrong.  They began testing her abilities, and we quickly found out that she had the capacity to do way more than any of us had dreamed.  

And then came the happiest day of my life.  The first day I visited her at Walter Lawson.  Her mom, dad, and friend Ryan were all on thier way, but I got there a couple of hours earlier.  She was worn out from therapy, and slept for a good portion of the time . . . but I can so clearly remember when she took my hand and brought it up to her face and kissed it not once, but three times.  When Mom, Dad, and Ryan got there, they had a suprise for her . . . they brought her puppy, Gypsy, and her Guinea Pig, Cocopuff.  

When they came in, Nicole's eyes lit up, and she smiled the biggest, most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life.  Seeing her smile for the first time made my heart burst with joy.  

That alone was enough to make it the best day of my life, but it didn't end there.  

She fed herself, and drank by herself . . . 

. . . and no, that still wasn't it.  After dinner that day, I thought she might like to color . . . I thought it might help with her motor skills.  I figured she might be able to scribble around a bit. 

But much to our surprise . . . 

If you can't read it, it says "I love you guys so much." 

Indeed, Nicole was not destined to stay there forever.  After only a few short weeks, they moved her to Marionjoy Rehabilitation Center, not to live out her days, but to rehabilitate her enough to go home.  

Home!  That's a word we never thought we'd hear in reference to Nicole.  

She soared at Marionjoy, and we had a lot of fun on our visits . . . from watergun fights, to board games, to playing "hide Dad's hat." 

We spent her 18th birthday in Marionjoy . . . 

She started getting anxious to come home.  She'd beg us to stay, and she'd get really upset when we left . . . but that strong will of hers kept showing through, and she got better and better . . . 

July 3rd, after 7 months in hospitals and rehab centers, she came home.  How symbolic, coming home the day before Independence Day! 

. . . and everyday since then has been a miracle for all of us.  The old Nicole shines through more and more each day . . . 

Recently, Nicole had surgery to try and correct the atrophy that was bending her foot up into a pretzel.  So far, so good . . . we're hoping her foot continues to stay straight, and we won't have any problems with that anymore.  In the meantime, she's starting to put weight on it, and slowly starting to use crutches to get around more and more, relying on her wheelchair less and less.  

Now to backtrack a bit . . . 

When Nicole first went into the hospital, we were basically living in the Neurological Intensive Care waiting room . . . the morning after we set up camp, a wonderful man named Alberto joined our family, too.  He, his wife, and his son had all been in an accident, leaving his wife paralyzed from the waist down.  Just as in our case, those first few weeks were very difficult for him and his family to get through.  Our families bonded, supported each other, took care of each other, and cried with each other.  Alberto is from Chicago, and owns a mexican bakery.  

Before Nicole ever woke up, I told her about him.  I told her that when she was better, we were going to go up to Chicago and go to Alberto's bakery for some tasty treats.  

It'll be more than a year in the making when it happens, but, as you can see by this long photo story I've written out . . . it WILL happen.  

Nicole is a living, breathing miracle, and not a day goes by that I don't thank the heavens that she is still here with us.  Not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for the hundreds of people that rallied around her and prayed for her and cheered her on and never gave up on her.  

Not a day goes by that I don't cherish every moment that I have with her.  

November 30th, 2008.  One year since that horrible accident.  I spent the day with Nicole, cuddled up on the couch during a snowstorm, watching movies, eating good food, and helping her set up her new Myspace page.  A boring day to some, but I had to keep myself from getting choked up on several occasions.  I never thought I would be so thankful for such simple moments.  

Here's to a year of sorrow and joy, tragedy and triumph . . . and miracles upon miracles.  

The obligatory 'what I am thankful for' post

Yeah, I know everyone else is doing it. So am I. Got a problem with it?

Good.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, it will be hard to fit it all in this post. Don't worry, I'll try and shorten it up by using pictures a bit. I'm told I can be a bit...um...wordy, at times.

Though I do have so much to be thankful for, this year has been a a rough one in some ways. Because of this, I have had to learn to search for things to be thankful for in some situations.

One such situation is that of my Gramma.

Earlier this year, my Gramma fell ill, spent some time in the hospital, and had to recuperate for a month in a nursing home before getting to come home again. This was a bit of a wakeup call for me, and for that, I am thankful. I realized that my gramma is 78 years old, and I really don't know how much longer she will be around. I began chiseling out some time, at least once a week, every week, to spend time with her, despite having three jobs, and then two jobs and school. I have done so faithfully for nearly six months now, and have gotten the chance to become incredibly close to her.

She had a horrible accident in September that she somehow managed to pull through, but unfortunately she is far from being able to take care of herself. She spent a month in the hospital, and has been living back at the nursing home since.

I am saddened to say that she is once again back in the hospital, this time with Pneumonia. As difficult as this has been for me, I am so very very thankful that so far she has fought through everything that has tried to take her down....and I have been able to have the time to get to know her better than I did before.


I am thankful, as I stated previously, for the amazing teachers I have met so far in my time at college.


I am thankful that I have finally found out what it feels like to NOT feel like I have to have a man in order to be 'whole'.


I am thankful that I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends on God's green earth.


Did I tell you I got to meet Stu finally?

I am certainly thankful for that opportunity. Stu and I are a lot alike. Because of this, we usually know pretty much how the other is feeling when nursing a broken heart, pulling our hair out from frustration, or overjoyed about something that seems so unimportant to most others.

...and on occasion, we also drive each other a little nuts. I mean, who wants to hang out with an opposite-gendered version of themselves all the time? :P

I am most certainly thankful for Stu.

I am thankful for all the times I have felt lower than low, and he made me laugh my way back up to the real world.

I am thankful for the times in which he has felt lower than low, and has trusted me enough to open up and let me in so I can return the favor.

I am thankful that that 30 minute phone call to Canada last month didn't cost too much. :P


I am thankful that there is a place called Betseyville, that someday, I will visit, along with some of the most amazing women (and maybe a man or two) I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.


I am mostly thankful that I have had the chance to get to know two people who, for the last 2 years, have made my world go 'round.

The trio of Joe, Sky, and me is one of a kind. Put the three of us together and you create the kind of magic I never thought I'd have with one friend, much less two.

When I am with them, I all my insecurities, all of my cares, all of the negative thoughts in my head just dissipate.

If I were to list all of the reasons why I am thankful for them I'd never stop typing.

They are the reason I am single and happy about it.

They are the reason I am in college.

They are the reason I have confidence in who I am.

They are the reason I can smile in the face of hardship.

I am thankful that I have been given the chance to love them and miss them as tremendously as I do.

With that sappy note, I end today's post. As of three minutes ago, it's Thursday.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I am blessed.

'What goes around comes around.'

'You reap what you sow.'

For the most part I've always believed these things. If you are a good person, and do good things, good things will happen to you. If you lie and cheat and steal, it'll catch up to you and knock you to the ground.

There are times when I get dragged down by things going on in life, and it's not so easy to believe. I start thinking that it doesn't matter how hard I try, good things will never happen to me.

This is not one of those moments. Nope...Karma has totally outdone herself. In fact, I think I owe her now, cuz what goes around came around threefold.

This year has been immensely difficult for me to get through. But the bumpy road was smoothed over quite a lot by the extraordinary friends that I have been blessed with. They are the reason I say Karma has totally outdone herself. Most people have one or two close friends....I have several.

I do NOT want to think about where my life would be without them. They are the reason I get up each day. They are the reason I strive to better myself. They are the reason I have love and joy in my heart.

It's been nearly five years since I met Natalie....we met though work. At the time I worked at Walgreens, which was still located in the mall. Natalie was the manager of Claire's. Our mall doesn't have much in the way of food, so most people would come to Walgreens for their lunch or break-time snacks. That's how we started talking. It was no time at all before I started referring to her as my best friend. In the time we've known each other, we've gone through a lot....I've gone through two boyfriends, and lots of heartbreak....she's gotten married, bought a house...changed jobs a time or two.... Strangely enough, we're not at all alike in a LOT of ways....but somehow it's a nice mix.....our friendship just works, and it works well.

She was asking me this weekend if I could pick one word to describe her, what would that word be. I've thought about that question for two days now....and one word just isn't enough. There is no one word in the English language that sums it up. In fact, I can't even think of the right words to properly conclude this paragragh...so I'll just move on! :P

So, a little over three years ago, I met Erik and we started dating. Yeah, I may have a lot of resentment towards him, and he may have not been very nice to me, especially in the last year....but you know what he did do for me that changed my life forever? When I was getting more and more interested in becoming better at photography, he's the one that told me I should find a forum to join. So, one day, I typed in 'photo forum' in Google, clicked on one of the first search results, and joined up. If you'd have asked me then what that forum would mean to me in three years, I'd have never been able to guess what it's become to me now.

Chase started The Photo Forum a little under a year before I joined up. He's also the first friend I made online. And it's funny, because before that, I would have told you that I didn't think it'd be possible for me to make a true friend online, without ever meeting them. It's been three years, and boy has that notion been blown out of the water. :P Chase has been one of the people I have turned to time and time again when things just seem to be piling so high on top of me that I feel like I'm going to drown. He always has an encouraging word to help me feel better about whatever is weighing me down. And even when I am coming to him with the same problem over and over again that I can't seem to get past, he'll be there to listen each and every time, and to remind me that I have people that care about me.

I have an older brother, and we don't have a bad relationship...but it's never been as close as what I'd really like. I think Chase has taken that spot. He's very much like a big brother, and I pray that nothing ever happens to change that.

Along those same lines....I now feel like I have a big sister, too. I've known Alison for a few years, too, but only recently did we start to talk more and become closer. She's someone I can talk to about some of the things that others wouldn't understand. She understands, and she always makes me feel like I'm not as abnormal as I previously thought. She helps me to realize that it's ok to feel the way I'm feeling sometimes...and that I'm not alone.

And she's also one of the most amazing mothers I've ever met. Watching her interact with her children, and to listen to her talk about them puts me in awe. The love she has in her heart for those kids is one of the most pure and beautiful things I have ever seen. I hope when I'm a mother someday, I can be even half as good at it as she is. She, like Chase, has become not only a highly valued friend, but someone I look up to as well.

Oh, and did I thank Chase for installing chat on the forum yet? Yeah, I have a hell of lot to thank him for in that respect. If he hadn't done that, I'd have never gotten as close to Joe, Sky, and Stu as I have.

Stu.....how to describe Stu....he's definitely a unique one. :P He started popping up in chat over the summer. He kept us endlessly entertained with his over the top and off the wall type of humor. (That's humor, without a 'u'). After a time or two of talking one on one in MSN, we quickly discovered how alike we are in a lot of ways. We've both gone through similar things, and the way we feel afterwards and how we deal with those things is eerily similar as well. Because of that, we seem to be able to understand each other better and can sympathize with one another at a higher level than I can with most others. And if no one else can make me laugh when I'm feeling down...he always can. We have not met in real life yet, but I look forward to that day more and more as time goes on.

Did I mention Sky yet? No? Well he definitely can't be left out here.

Sky came aboard in my life as part of the original chat crew. At 19, he's the youngest one here in my list of people that I have been blessed with....but that's something that's easily forgotten about. I've always thought he was a bit 'beyond his years'. He's also someone that I admire for a lot of things. I admire him for the photographic talent that he possesses....and for the fact that he's smarter than I probably will ever be....and I admire that he's already experienced so much of the world. He'll have life by the horns by the time he graduates college, of that I have no doubt.

I've considered him a friend since we started talking a year ago, but here in the last few months it's solidified into a friendship that won't easily dissolve. He's another friend that's hard to find words to describe. But I can tell you for sure he has a permanent spot etched in my heart, and I hope we never lose touch.

I guess that' about it.....




....isn't it?




You didn't actually think I was going to leave out Joe, did you? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one.

If it wasn't for Joe, I wouldn't have had the courage to end a relationship that was very bad for me. If it wasn't for Joe, I'd have never gotten on a plane for the first time, sparking my love for travel. If it wasn't for Joe, I wouldn't have been brave enough to venture into the Windy City alone, exploring not only the beautiful metropolis of Chicago, but also un-chartered territory in my own soul. I feel I've grown more as a person in the past year than I ever have in any other given year of my life, and I feel that a large part of that was nurtured by Joe.

Because of him I am learning to not be afraid....of taking risks.....of doing things for ME.....to not be afraid of life in general.

He's taught me that not all friends run away from you when you are a complete mess and falling apart. Some will stay, steadfastly...never wavering...and help put you back together...help you mend the cracks and make them stronger than they were before by putting little bits of themselves into every weak spot.

Because of this I have been better able to recognize and appreciate these qualities in my other friends, as well. I have the confidence now to see that I really am a good enough person that people would do these things for me, and be there for me....and I no longer think in my head 'they are only doing that because they feel sorry for me'...or some other line to make myself think I'm not good enough to actually deserve it.

I have the confidence now to let myself be proud of my accomplishments.

None of this would have happened without Joe as my friend. I would not have been able to end my bad relationship if I didn't have faith that he would be there, every night for at least a week, on the other end of that phone to be there for me...even when there'd be minutes at a time of silence because I was trying not to cry.

And I'm learning to stop apologizing for being me. I don't have to do that...did you know that? I didn't...but I do now. I still have to be reminded at times, but I'm getting there.

I'm not even going to TRY and think of where I'd be without him. Part of me already knows, and it wouldn't be a very happy place.

After going over everything I just wrote....how can I not be blessed? Maybe my family life wasn't the greatest growing up...maybe I didn't have very many opportunities in life....but none of that matters now. That was then and this is now, and right now, I'm just about the richest person alive.