The Cubs, The Cardinals, and Gramma

My memory banks contain more memories of sitting at Gramma's kitchen table overlooking the Illinois river than I could ever possibly hope to count. Gramma's house, and more specifically, that kitchen table, was always a gathering point for the family. Most days, any number of family members would show up randomly throughout the day . . . no need to knock, the door was usually unlocked, and you could just walk on in.

Gramma would be sitting on her side of the table, surrounded by a clutter of note cards, magazine and newspaper clippings, lotions, maybe a snack that her diet didn't allow, and perhaps the materials for whatever project she was working on at that moment. She might be working on that project, or looking out at her birds on the back deck, or, during the summer have her chair turned towards the living room watching her beloved Cubs on TV. If they were winning, of course. If you walked in during a time in which you knew the Cubs were playing, but you didn't hear the TV, it was a clear sign they were losing. Especially if she was grumpy and muttering about that damn Sammy Sosa or Dusty Baker or 'insert current Cubs disappointment here.'

After expressing her disgust or joy (depending on their current standings) over what was going on at Wrigley field, Gramma would ask how you were, and then proceed to try and feed you all sorts of fat-laden goodies, despite the fact that you just told her how great you were doing on your diet.

I've been thinking about these simple memories a lot lately. When my Gramma passed away in December, I barely had a chance to mourn, given the other tragedy that had occurred in my life a mere week earlier. To this day I struggle with the fact that, even though her passing made me very sad -- I had become very close to her, especially in her last year -- I have barely been able to cry, and I have yet to allow myself to truly feel her loss.

More and more, however, I am beginning to think that I should not be feeling guilty over the manner in which I've dealt with it. Perhaps it's not that I am not grieving, but rather I am just grieving in different manner.

I am remembering all of the good times, and letting her sad, painful last days be a mere shadow in the background.

And yet, I find it ironic that as I write this, I am holding back tears.

When I sat down to write this post, it was with the intention of sharing one of my favorite memories of my Gramma. I see now that it is also becoming a way for me to honor her and grieve her.

It probably isn't hard to figure out that my favorite memory of Grammma is baseball related. I can still recall it quite well, even though it occurred a good 10 or more years ago.

I came over to visit one summer afternoon, and took my place in the seat across the table from her. She was in good spirits not only because the Cubs were doing well, but because they had just swept the Cardinals. What better victory could there be for a Cubs fan than to be the dominate half of one of the greatest baseball rivalries in history?

Sitting in front of her on the table was an interesting piece of attire that piqued my curiosity.

A decorative cardinal with life-like feathers -- the kind with the wires extending from the feet so you could pose them perched on branches -- was glued upside-down to the bill of a Cubs hat with the feet sticking straight up in the air, and the wires snipped off.

I asked her what it was all about, and sat patiently as she began her story. With her jubilant mood, I knew it would be entertaining, clever, and feisty, as Gramma was known to be.

She began by telling me about the Cubs' triumph over that oh-so-horrible team from St. Louis. She then went on to tell me about Dennis, the long-time employee and die-hard Cards fan that worked for my aunt at the gas station she manages. Gramma and Dennis had their own little Cubs/Cards related friendly rivalry going on, and they would banter back and forth about it every time she stopped in to fill up her car.

It goes without saying that this latest victory provided plenty of material for Gramma to impress upon Dennis who she felt was the better team.

But mere banter over such a great victory wasn't Gramma's way. Gramma was creative and fun.

That's where the hat came in. Gramma made the hat specifically for this occasion, with it's life-like 'dead' cardinal, feet up, on top of the bill. But she didn't stop there. She also bought a sympathy card for Dennis, and customized it just for this occasion. On the inside cover she drew a cardinal. She plucked a few feathers from the dead bird atop her cap and glued them in the card, scattered about as you may find in real life when a bird has been attacked or in a scuffle. She drew a baseball a few inches away, complete with 'motion lines' so you could tell that the ball was travelling at a high rate of speed, directly for the hopeless bird.

At this point, I can still see Gramma's expression clear as day, as she told me about what she did. Her head held high, and a sly expression on her face, she described how she put her hat -- complete with 'dead' bird -- on her head, marched into the gas station, laid the sympathy card on the counter in front of Dennis, turned around, and marched back out.

Part of me wishes I could have been there to witness the spectacle myself, or have it captured on video. But a bigger part of me relishes in the memory of her actual telling of the tale. The pride in her voice, the smile on her face, and the dramatic flourish with which she told it.

It is a memory I will never forget, and will always hold very dear to my heart. It is how I choose to remember her: as a clever, sassy woman full of life, love, and creativity.

Gramma, I hope you have a great view of Wrigleyville when you look down from heaven to see the Cubs win the World Series this year!

December 2007: A month I hope to forget

To The Core has gone untouched for over a month now, and for that, I apologize. However, life has become rather rotten, and even when I've the time, I haven't felt up to writing.

I suppose it's about time to fill you in on how 2007 ended for me.

November 30th was without a doubt the worst day of my life so far. That's saying a lot considering there are a lot of days in 25 1/2 years. On November 30th, 2007, at 5:30 in the evening, my dear sweet little cousin Nicole was hit by a car and critically injured. Today marks day 33 of her coma. 33 days of tears and fears and prayers and hopes and pain and sadness. I won't go into details about what we've all gone through with Nicole in the past month, as that would take much too long, and be much too painful to write out...but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through...and it's still going on.

To top that off, 5 days after Nicole was taken to the hospital, I got the call that my gramma was on her way, as well. It was sad that I was already there to greet her when she was admitted. After running some tests, it was found that she had C-Diff, which is an infection in the bowels that can be fatal. In this case, it was. Exactly one week after Nicole's accident--3 days after Gramma entered the hospital--she passed away. It's been weeks now, and I still haven't had a chance to properly mourne. As I discussed in my last entry, I had become very close to my gramma in the last year or so...I should have cried more than I did when she died...it should have hurt more...but that, along with Nicole barely clinging to life was too much for me to handle...so I've denied myself the permission to let the pain in.

This month has been a blur. Christmas didn't really happen for me. It came, but I didn't feel it. The spirit never inhabited me. Each day goes by, and I become more numb than I was the day before. The roller coaster of emotions will rip me apart if I allow myself to fully feel the ride.

I've thought about writing about it here for weeks now, but was reluctant to bring my dark cloud along with me. But I need to get it out...I need to talk about it...I need to start writing again.

But, now you know why I haven't updated in so long.

If you pray, your prayers for Nicole are deeply appreciated. If you don't, your positive thoughts and vibes are just as welcome.

Nicole, please know that you are loved so much by so many people. I look forward to the day that your beautiful smile once again lights up the world. Please hold strong.

The obligatory 'what I am thankful for' post

Yeah, I know everyone else is doing it. So am I. Got a problem with it?

Good.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, it will be hard to fit it all in this post. Don't worry, I'll try and shorten it up by using pictures a bit. I'm told I can be a bit...um...wordy, at times.

Though I do have so much to be thankful for, this year has been a a rough one in some ways. Because of this, I have had to learn to search for things to be thankful for in some situations.

One such situation is that of my Gramma.

Earlier this year, my Gramma fell ill, spent some time in the hospital, and had to recuperate for a month in a nursing home before getting to come home again. This was a bit of a wakeup call for me, and for that, I am thankful. I realized that my gramma is 78 years old, and I really don't know how much longer she will be around. I began chiseling out some time, at least once a week, every week, to spend time with her, despite having three jobs, and then two jobs and school. I have done so faithfully for nearly six months now, and have gotten the chance to become incredibly close to her.

She had a horrible accident in September that she somehow managed to pull through, but unfortunately she is far from being able to take care of herself. She spent a month in the hospital, and has been living back at the nursing home since.

I am saddened to say that she is once again back in the hospital, this time with Pneumonia. As difficult as this has been for me, I am so very very thankful that so far she has fought through everything that has tried to take her down....and I have been able to have the time to get to know her better than I did before.


I am thankful, as I stated previously, for the amazing teachers I have met so far in my time at college.


I am thankful that I have finally found out what it feels like to NOT feel like I have to have a man in order to be 'whole'.


I am thankful that I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends on God's green earth.


Did I tell you I got to meet Stu finally?

I am certainly thankful for that opportunity. Stu and I are a lot alike. Because of this, we usually know pretty much how the other is feeling when nursing a broken heart, pulling our hair out from frustration, or overjoyed about something that seems so unimportant to most others.

...and on occasion, we also drive each other a little nuts. I mean, who wants to hang out with an opposite-gendered version of themselves all the time? :P

I am most certainly thankful for Stu.

I am thankful for all the times I have felt lower than low, and he made me laugh my way back up to the real world.

I am thankful for the times in which he has felt lower than low, and has trusted me enough to open up and let me in so I can return the favor.

I am thankful that that 30 minute phone call to Canada last month didn't cost too much. :P


I am thankful that there is a place called Betseyville, that someday, I will visit, along with some of the most amazing women (and maybe a man or two) I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.


I am mostly thankful that I have had the chance to get to know two people who, for the last 2 years, have made my world go 'round.

The trio of Joe, Sky, and me is one of a kind. Put the three of us together and you create the kind of magic I never thought I'd have with one friend, much less two.

When I am with them, I all my insecurities, all of my cares, all of the negative thoughts in my head just dissipate.

If I were to list all of the reasons why I am thankful for them I'd never stop typing.

They are the reason I am single and happy about it.

They are the reason I am in college.

They are the reason I have confidence in who I am.

They are the reason I can smile in the face of hardship.

I am thankful that I have been given the chance to love them and miss them as tremendously as I do.

With that sappy note, I end today's post. As of three minutes ago, it's Thursday.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.