The Splintered Mind

During my entire 27 years, I have been a bit of a misfit.  

In grade school I had little self confidence and spent much of my time daydreaming and doodling in the margins of my worksheets.  I was always in trouble for my desk being a total mess, my homework being late, or not paying attention.  

This continued throughout my primary school career.  

In middle school or early high school, I began having issues with insomnia, though it only reared it's ugly head during the summers, when I didn't have a structured day.  

Now, I'm an adult.  I've been living on my own for 8 years.  I have a bit more confidence these days, but I still find myself daydreaming . . . I even still find myself doodling here and there.  I've gone through a few bouts of insomnia as an adult, as well, though until a year ago, I thought I had kicked that issue.    

I start many projects, but rarely finish them.  Often I get so overwhelmed that I don't work on them at all.  

During the last 2 1/2 years of school, I struggled tremendously.  During the rare times that I could focus, I could churn out incredible work, but most of the time, it took considerable effort to get things done.  It's not that I wasn't interested in it, I just couldn't focus.  I can't seem to sit down and do just one thing.  I have to be doing several at once.  When I watch movies or television, I'm also browsing the internet (or writing a blog post . . . ), or drawing, or painting.

I've never been diagnosed with ADD, but I feel it's only because neither my mother nor I have ever posed the question to a doctor.  

Compound that with Depression, and the days become incredibly difficult to get through.  

I've struggled with varying levels of Depression since I was quite young, as well, and after the numerous tragedies and stressful events over the last few years, it's been worse than ever.  

A bit over a year ago, as I've written about here, a family member whom I was very close to died, and I reached my breaking point.  I spent three weeks where I slept more than I was awake . . . and then swung the other way.  I've had maddening insomnia ever since.  It's seemed like there was no one that could truly understand how I felt.  

Then a friend sent me the link to a blog written by someone with ADD, Depression, and Insomnia.  

The Splintered Mind, written by Douglas Cootey, describes the trials and tribulations of the day to day life of someone dealing with many of the same things I struggle with.  

I've so far only gotten through a few pages of his blog, but it's so much like looking in a mirror, it's scary.  It is my hope that reading through his blog might give me a better insight into my own problems and how I can manage them better.   

If anyone has any of the issues I've described above, I highly recommend checking out his blog! 

My Theme Song

Seems to sum me up quite well over the past several months . . . 

Insomnia

It's maddening.  

Each night, as the seconds tick away, and you're still not sleeping, as the exhaustion creeps in, the frustration builds as you realize what your day is going to be like tomorrow.  You realize how hard it's going to be to get up in two hours in order to make it to your first class.  You realize you probably won't make it to your first class.  You think about how hard it's going to be to pay attention through your second class.  You worry about whether or not your boss will notice your decreased productivity.  You wonder what problems or arguments your increased emotional sensitivity will get you into.  You try to see the bright side -- at least you'll be tired enough the next night, that you'll sleep well.  Won't you?  

No.  The next night, you'll watch as the clock hits 3am . . . 4am . . .

Or maybe that's just my experience.  

Either way, it's maddening.